The Backstory of Dame Gwendolyn "Gwen" of the Great Hedge

A Start So Normal, It Was Suspicious

My name is Gwendolyn, though everyone just calls me Gwen. My life started in a village called Bogwater-by-the-Marsh, which was famous for exactly two things: having perfectly adequate fence palings and a dairy that somehow managed to make a cheddar cheese that was merely tolerable. No drama. No prophecies. I wasn't found floating in a wicker basket or raised by wolves; I was just raised by Sir Krumble, my retired knight father who spent most of his time gardening, and my mother, Elspeth, who was suspiciously good at competitive knitting. They taught me about being polite, the absolute necessity of sensible footwear, and how to properly say "quinoa" (they were convinced it was the future). It was all terribly, perfectly boring.

The Turning Point: The Day the Cows Flew

My boring life ended the day I turned sixteen. The local idiot, Baron von Smugge, was trying to impress some visiting Duchess with a "spectacular" feast. I was fetching ale, minding my own business, when this small, incredibly hairy, and surprisingly eloquent gnome named Keith popped out of the woods. He wasn't there to warn of doom; he was just returning a slightly-used garden trowel.

But Keith tripped over a badger that, honestly, should have been sleeping elsewhere, and he dropped a vial of "Instant Anti-Gravity Serum (Family Size)" he’d picked up from the Gnomish Home Shopping Network.

The serum splashed onto the entire local herd of cows. They immediately began to float, glowing faintly blue. The Duchess, mistaking this bovine ascension for a sign of divine favor, pointed straight at me—the poor girl with the ale—and declared me the "Chosen One of the Celestial Cattle." The Baron, happy to have someone else to blame, instantly agreed.
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The Quest that Wasn't**

Suddenly, I was a hero. The High Council of Mostly-Sleepy Wizards (all named Tim) informed me my holy mission was to find the legendary "Helmet of Utterly Terrifying Rabbit Repulsion." Apparently, overly fluffy, but extremely aggressive, rabbits were besieging the capitol’s turnip supply, and only this artifact could save us.

My subsequent adventures have been... well, an utter mess, frankly:

I was knighted by a sentient, talking suit of armor named Sir Reginald who was, at the time, completely stuck in a washing machine. He bestowed upon me the title Dame of the Great Hedge because I once got hopelessly lost in one for three days.

I briefly ran with a group of "merry outlaws." They didn't steal from the rich to give to the poor, though. They stole from people who had too many spare napkins and gave them to people who had too few. Their leader had a great mustache and an irrational fear of apricots.

I was nearly attacked by a Gryphon, but it wasn't hungry. It just wanted my mother's recipe for her tolerable cheddar, which it described as "a bold, yet subtle, note of almost-perfection."

I did eventually find the Helmet. It wasn't a helmet; it was a very nice, gently-used tea cozy. And it was completely unnecessary because the rabbits had already been dealt with. It turns out the local postman accidentally left a large stack of motivational posters near their burrow, and they all got corporate jobs and lose interest in insurrection.

Current Predicament

So now I just wander. The whole concept of a "heroic quest" has been thoroughly spoiled for me, but I can't go home. My mother, Elspeth, keeps sending me incredibly detailed, passive-aggressive letters asking when I’m going to stop running around and finally "settle down with a nice, non-magical boy."

I travel with Sir Reginald (the soggy, talking armor, now liberated), and the perpetually exasperated Keith (the gnome, who still hasn't gotten his trowel back). I am an expert in Advanced Fence-Jumping and I can swing this ridiculous, rusty broadsword with a certain chaotic flair. I’m mostly fearless, except when confronted with a very specific, depressing shade of beige.

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I suppose the only question left is: What utterly pointless thing am I supposed to do next?